Things I learned from Midsomer Murders

It was at some point back in Covid times that Husband and I got hooked on Midsomer Murders. If you’re not familiar with this British TV series, it’s a police procedural, set in the beautiful (and occasionally blood-soaked) English countryside in the mythical county of Midsomer. There are close to 200 episodes of this drama – it has been running since 1998, and it’s famous for having the highest body count of any British detective series, with an average of 2.6 murders per episode.

Apparently they did make an attempt to reduce the body count at some point, but people complained. The contradiction of quaint English villages and piles of bloody murders is TV gold, and the formula is not to be tampered with.

It was last year that we finally completed our mission to watch the entire back catalogue of Midsomer Murders. After watching so many episodes, there are certain themes that come up repeatedly, and I’ll attempt to convey them here.

• Once you start murdering you can’t stop. (Hence the high number of murders per episode.) It seems that while someone might commit the first murder in a fit of passion or by accident, the rest of the murders are coldly calculated to dispose of people who might have known that you committed the first murder.
• With nothing else to do in the village, infidelity is rife. When investigating a murder, always check who is shagging whom. This may or may not be relevant to the murder, but it provides some entertainment in making people uncomfortable when they are questioned.
• If you want to know what’s going on in the village, talk to the publican or the local shop keeper. They see the comings and goings of the villagers; they know who has bought a knife/shovel recently; who got drunk and had an argument with whom. But publicans are notoriously unreliable. They are likely to be murderers or recovering alcoholics.
• There is always a lord of the manor who considers the village their own personal fiefdom. Or someone who thinks they are. They are likely to be hated for this so are a target for murder. Or, if they are the murderer, they think they’re above the law and their behaviour shoudn’t be questioned by a mere policeman.
• There is always someone who has money trouble. Many residents of Midsomer made a lot of money “in the city” and then promptly lost it, and are on the verge of going bankrupt. This makes a good motive for murder, especially if you’re due to inherit the local manor house and hate your brother.
• If you’re the only woman in the family and your useless brother is going to inherit the manor house because posh family = male inheritance only then that’s another great motive for murder.
• People living in the crumbling manor house seem to expect sympathy that their formerly wealthy family who has owned the land around the village “for generations” has fallen on tough times and have no money left. In fact anyone who is/was wealthy seems to expect sympathy for having frittered away their fortune and run up a huge overdraft. They seem to think even murder is an excuse for preserving the family heritage.
• Murder by heavy object is popular in Midsomer. Unlike in the real world, when someone in Midsomer sees a heavy thing about to fall on them, they don’t run away. They just stand still and scream.
• Rich people have too many ideas about what their children should and shouldn’t do, and who they should and shouldn’t marry. This provides many motives for murder.
• There’s really not a lot for kids to do in small country villages. Drinking, fighting, murdering; that’s about it.
• Where there is a village green, there must be two girls on ponies riding around it.
• Most people in the countryside have access to shotguns which makes a bit of murdering so much easier.
• It’s perfectly normal to show up when someone asks you to meet them in the middle of the wood in the middle of the night. Don’t. They probably want to murder you.
• Never end a phone call with, “I’ll tell you about it when I see you.” That’s a top indication you’re next to be murdered.
• Never say, “What are you doing here?” if you see someone unexpected, especially in the woods or forest. They are probably there to kill you.
• Most of the British acting establishment has been in Midsomer at some point. It’s good fun to see people who later went on to be famous (“Oh look, Orlando Bloom!”) or were famous (“Oh it’s that woman who was in that show from the 1970s”). Some actors have appeared multiple times: Simon Callow, Hadyn Gwynne, James Fleet, June Whitfield, Samuel West have all murdered or been murdered multiple times.
• There were no people of colour living in any of the Midsomer villages until around episode 100. That was the point the director was interviewed about the series and he commented that most English villages are actually very white. In response to the backlash he received about this, a greater number of people of colour started to appear.

There have been two detectives since the series began, both with the surname Barnaby. They are cousins of course, with Brighton Barnaby moving to Midsomer to replace his cousin when he retired.

Midsomer police force (its logo is a badger, referring to notorious local murder centre Badger’s Drift, no doubt) has very harsh policies on sick leave. One of the detective sergeants was replaced in a new series because he was sick.

“Where’s Scott?” asks Barnaby. “Off sick, sir,” said one of the uniform officers. “Do you have a suit?” “Yes sir.” “Then go put it on, you’re deputising as detective sergeant.” Scott was never referred again.

Have you watched Midsomer Murders? Do you have a favourite Barnaby?