The Flick of the Dragon’s tail

I’m exhausted.

Not just because it’s January, possibly the most depressing month of the year in the northern hemisphere.

Not just because at this point it feels like it has been cold and grey for approximately 6.5 years.

Not just because unlike everyone else (it seems) I didn’t take any leave over Christmas/New Year.

Yes, it’s a little bit all of those thing, but also it’s the end of a Dragon year, and the dragon year has wrung me out.

The particularly tiring and uncertain past week are, what I hope, is the final flick of the dragon’s tail before it disappears for another 11 years.

Think of a whale about to dive, the way it flicks its tail. A graceful gesture sure, but still powerful, still potentially disruptive.

That’s where I am right now.

“Just a few more days,” I say to myself, practising deep and slow breathing. I got to sleep at night, picturing myself inhaling calming colours which are pushing the tangled greys of stress down my body and eventually exhaled out of my feet.

An example of how the dragon’s tail works…

There’s an opportunity been posted at work. Yes, I know I’ve changed jobs in the organisation twice in the past three years, but this opportunity would mean living in another country for a year.

So why not apply? I umm and ah and prevaricate for two weeks. The deadline is approaching. The deadline is now just a few days away.

I probably won’t get it (am I being pessimistic or realistic?) but it feels important for me to try.

Two days before the deadline for applications, I sit down after dinner to rewrite my CV, as it has sat untended since it helped get me my current job. Some rewrite, update, change format, done.

One day before deadline, I talk to my boss again. Yes, she remembers me mentioning it; yes she’s happy to support me; yes, she’ll mention it to our head of department.

Day of the deadline, everyone in management is behind me, Husband comes in to help with a final review of my CV and -boom! – my application goes off to HR.

HR writes back, something about costs. I reply, that the advertisement did mention costs but didn’t specify them. (I’d assume it referred to travel costs.)

No, it’s not that at all. While I’m away on secondment, my current team pays me my salary. That means they have no salary to spare to pay someone to replace me and there is no budget for this.

To get this straight, this “opportunity” means my team is one person down and has no budget to hire any cover.

I break this news to head of department. This changes the degree to which she supports my application of course. My secondment dream fades to dust in an instant.

That’s the flick of the dragon’s tail; something positive appears, but you get a slap in the face for trying.

The dragon year ends on Tuesday 28th.