The Bouncer Protocol

When I first came to the UK, on hearing I was from Australia, the first question I would get asked was, “What’s happening in Neighbours?”

There were other questions too, like, “You must miss the weather?” and “Oh, you must really miss your family with them being so far away?” (Neither of these technically a question but always asked in a questioning tone.)

I can brush those last two off with ‘Yes’ and ‘Yes’ but the Neighbours question required something more.

I tried a simple, “I don’t watch it, so I have no idea.” But that wasn’t enough (or they didn’t believe me.)

I had to develop a more comprehensive way to shut the conversation down.

So I developed the Bouncer Protocol.

It went like this:

“Neighbours is finished now. It was a very dramatic ending. There was a terrorist cell moved into Ramsay Street. They were putting their explosives together but Bouncer the dog somehow grabbed them and ran off to the Robinson’s place where everyone had gathered for a barbecue and – BOOM! – everyone died.”

That would usually shut the conversation down.

The Bouncer Protocol capitalised on the few facts I knew about Neighbours: (a) there was a family called Robinson (b) there was a dog called Bouncer and (c) it took place on Ramsay Street.

It might seem harsh, but when every single person you meet – at the bank, the post office, at work, in a cafe – asks you the same question, you get a bit sick of answering it.

And if you’re wondering why no one double checked my nonsense on the internet, it’s because this was 1994. There was no internet in 1994.

(I know there was internet somewhere but generally there was no internet out in the population. Especially amongst the population who watched Neighbours.)

I have been thinking about the Bouncer Protocol again, due to a writing project I’m working on. It’s getting very complex. I wonder if I should just blow the whole thing up?

By the way, my inspiration for the Bouncer Protocol came from an Australian TV show that did exactly that. They decided the format wasn’t working so they killed off most of the initial cast and replaced them and rebooted the show concept.

Can you think of a time in your life when you would have liked to initiate the Bouncer Protocol?