The Art of Apology

The politician or man of industry or sportsman (and it usually is one of these types) steps up to the microphone.

“If I said or did anything to anyone that caused any offence, then I apologise.”

We’ve all seen these apology speeches. These apologies never feel satisfactory. They’re like nibbling on piece of pineapple when you’re hungry for a full meal – they don’t satisfy, and may leave you feeling worse, with a stomach full of acid.

One of the most interesting and memorable things I’ve heard on a podcast was on Hello Monday on LinkedIn, where Jessi Hempel spoke with Rabbi Danya Ruttenberg on repentance and repair, based on the rabbi’s study of an ancient Jewish scholar, Maimonides, on the correct way to apologise.

This podcast went some way to explain why these vague apologies fail to satisfy by explaining how there are several stages you need to go through.

Oh, and apologising is not just about you, it’s about the other person who you “done wrong”.

I’ll summarise my understanding of the five points of apology and atonement.

1. You admit you did wrong. (My notes say “own your shit”). Those shallow political apologies don’t do this because they don’t acknowledge they caused harm. They don’t own their shit.
2. You need to figure out how you are going to change. This is not a box checking exercise, but a long dark teatime of the soul. Maybe you need to separate yourself from people and do some thinking. You need to understand where the action that causes harm came from, what you need to do to stop it happening again.
3. You need to make it right. You need to go back to the person who you hurt, show you are sorry and that you are making changes so this won’t happen again. Repentance is about returning yourself to a place of integrity, acknowledging your wrong and how you are righting yourself.
4. You can ask for forgiveness but this not a given. The person you “sinned against” has the power to decide if you can be forgiven. If they don’t forgive you, you can try again. This time you bring three friends, who act as mediators. Maybe they see you say sorry but your body language says you don’t care; maybe they see the hurt you’ve done is too great and more work needs to be done. But if you try several times and you are still not forgiven, you have to accept that your wrong is not forgiven and that is something you have to carry.
5. The final step is to use what you’ve learned and choose not to do harm in the future. You upset someone making a sexist or racist joke? You understand now why that was not appropriate so you don’t tell those jokes and you speak out when other people do. It’s not just about clearing this wrong, but rebuilding yourself and avoiding future wrongs.

Let’s try an example.

Imagine you’re a well known businessman who has been accused of harassment by several women who work with you.

How do you make it right?

Step one, your apology should be specific and acknowledge the harm.

“I realise that my words and actions towards my female staff have caused them shame and embarrassment, and that they were afraid to speak out due to fear of losing their jobs. I apologise for the distress that my actions have caused.”

How does this apology compare with the statement at the top of this post?

This goes some way to owning the shit. It acknowledges the harm to some extent.

Step two, this requires you to reflect on the habits of a lifetime. You have always treated women this way. Why is it different now? Why do you have to behave in a different way?

Step three, this is tricky, because chances are the women from your office won’t want to be near you. But perhaps in a public place where they feel safe, with a neutral party as a kind of referee / adjudicator, you can sit and listen – really listen – to the women from your office tell you how your actions made them feel.

Step four, ask forgiveness. Look them in the eye and acknowledge your actions and the hurt they caused and ask their forgiveness.

Step five, you have to show you have changed. This is hard work and a step most people will want to skip. (“Yeah, yeah, I said I’m sorry. What more do you want?”) The aim of the process is to bring yourself back into a place of integrity. Maybe you instigate a speak up culture in your company, a hotline where people can report harassment. Maybe you make a financial contribution to a charity or you support and public speaking group for women in your company. One statement to the press is not going to exonerate you, you need to change your behaviour, and make it clear that behaviour is no longer appropriate in your company. And most of all, when a young female staff member walks past you, you do not tap her on the bum as you once would have.

I remember reading the paper with my father and there was a story about a rapist who had been tried and convicted but received only a small sentence. My father was angry.

“In cases like that the man should stay in jail until the woman says she is OK and recovered. Once she is OK, then he can be released. If she is never OK again, if she never recovers, then he stays in jail forever.”

It seems my father and Maimonides thought the same way.

You can find the link to the podcast here.